Navigating Neurodiverse Love: Embracing Differences with Compassion
It’s still dark out as we stroll around the block, walking the dog. Out of nowhere, I ask my husband, “What’s it like to be in love with someone who is neurodiverse?”
In my head, I think, “Well, this is what it is like to be married to an ADHD person. You're trying to have a peaceful morning walk, and suddenly, you're peppered with potentially explosive questions.”But here’s why I have absolutely adored this guy for the last 38 years. He doesn’t chastise me, like my inner critic; he thoughtfully thinks about the question and answers in a way that makes me see his perspective and love him even more. As you will see at the end of this blog.
Image for a blog on Neurodiverse Love by Gail Suitor of Ignite Change Makers.
One thing I know for sure is that love knows no boundaries. It certainly transcends any neurodiversity. In a world where each individual possesses a unique neurological makeup, it's essential to recognize and celebrate the beauty of neurodiverse love relationships. These relationships, which involve partners with varying neurological traits such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, or other conditions, bring forth a rich tapestry of experiences, challenges, and growth opportunities.Like all relationships, neurodiverse love relationships are not without their complexities, but with understanding, empathy, and open communication, they can blossom into profoundly fulfilling connections. In this blog, I delve into the dynamics of neurodiverse love and explore strategies for nurturing and sustaining these relationships.Understanding Neurodiversity
The first step in fostering a healthy neurodiverse relationship is understanding what neurodiversity entails. Neurodiversity encompasses the idea that neurological differences, such as autism, ADHD, dyslexia, and others, are natural variations of the human brain. Instead of viewing these differences as deficits, neurodiversity celebrates the unique perspectives and abilities that each individual brings to the table.Take an Inventory
In the article, Two Different Brains in Love: Conflict Resolution in Neurodiverse Relationships, Yolanda Renteria, LPC, NCC suggests creating an inventory with your partner on those things with which both of you struggle, such as interrupting, jumping to conclusions, sensory overload, finding the right words, or you feel overwhelming emotional pain when you feel criticized or rejected, which some people call rejection sensitivity dysphoria. However, I operate my Change-Maker Activator program from a strengths-based perspective; we develop a list of the client’s strengths and build their change-maker plan from there. Therefore, I would also suggest making a list of things that each of you excels at. Then, combine the two to make a plan on how to utilize your individual strengths to accommodate or ameliorate each other’s struggles. For example, if one of you has OCD and likes your place setting at dinner to be a certain way and the other is flexible around how the table is set, then you can accommodate the needs of the OCD partner.Communication is Key
Effective communication lies at the heart of any successful relationship, and this holds particularly true for neurodiverse couples. Partners should strive to communicate openly and honestly, taking into account each other's communication preferences and potential challenges. This may involve finding alternative methods of communication, such as written notes, visual aids, or structured conversations, to ensure that both partners feel heard and understood.Embracing Differences
Neurodiverse relationships often entail navigating differences in processing information, sensory sensitivities, and social interaction styles. Rather than viewing these differences as obstacles, couples can embrace them as opportunities for growth and learning. By acknowledging and celebrating each other's unique traits and perspectives, partners can cultivate a deeper sense of empathy and appreciation for one another. The benefits of celebrating differences became clear to me on my first trip out of the country with my husband. He noticed the different types of cars, rocks, and jobs. I noticed the different birds, plants, animals, and social rules. It was like getting two trips in one for us.Establishing Routine and Structure
Many neurodiverse individuals thrive in environments with routine and structure. Establishing clear routines and expectations within the relationship can provide a sense of stability and security for both partners. For instance, you can divide household responsibilities based on strengths and preferences, so they don’t have to be floating around waiting for someone to do it. For the chores you both hate, divide them up evenly and decide on a schedule of frequency for them to be done. It will take the pressure off of negotiating each time something needs to be done.Practicing Patience and Empathy
Patience and empathy are essential virtues in any relationship, but they hold particular significance in neurodiverse partnerships. It's important for partners to recognize that certain behaviors or reactions may stem from neurodiverse traits rather than intentional actions. By approaching challenges with patience and empathy, couples can work together to find constructive solutions and strengthen their bond.Seeking Support and Resources
Building a support network and accessing relevant resources can be invaluable for neurodiverse couples. This may include seeking guidance from therapists, joining support groups, or accessing educational materials on neurodiversity and relationships. By connecting with others who understand their experiences, couples can gain insight, validation, and encouragement along their journey.The importance of understanding the traits of your neurodiverse partner can really help you avoid conflicts. As Joe Kort, mentioned in his article, Neurodiverse Marriage: How to Love a Partner with Autism, “Put away your judgment. Learn how their minds work differently than yours, and accept them for who they are; don't fight it.”Celebrating Strengths and Achievements
Amidst the challenges of neurodiverse relationships, it's essential to celebrate the strengths and achievements of both partners. Whether it's a small milestone or a significant accomplishment, acknowledging and affirming each other's strengths fosters a sense of mutual respect and admiration.Conclusion
My husband’s answer to my question says it best.“So part of being in love is everybody’s got their stuff regardless if it’s neurodivergence, race, gender, trauma, what have you. I think what you’re trying to do is to take two people and make a better life together. So, being in love with you means that, like you, I make adjustments that work for your situation. And you don’t mind making these adjustments for the person you love. I don’t mind doing an extra eye sweep as we leave a restaurant to make sure your phone is not left behind on the table. That’s just what I do. But, our relationship is also enhanced by the way your brain works. I know if I come home on any given Friday afternoon, and we don’t have plans for the weekend, we could be going to South Dakota or off on some other adventure. You bring excitement and passion to our relationship, along with a little bit of uncertainty, but that’s fun. I don’t know that there’s a difference between loving someone who’s neurodiverse versus loving someone who’s not. Because everybody has crap, and when you are falling in love, you are trying to balance out your crap together.”This Valentine’s Day you could sign– I love the way you balance out my crap. All of your unique differences make my life better. It’s guaranteed to bring a tear to your special person’s eyes. At least if they are neurodiverse:) And if you don’t have a special person, say it to yourself because your unique differences make the world a better place. Join the Waitlist for
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Hey There, I’m Gail Suitor
Living and working with a neurodivergent brain can be challenging. I know because I have one, raised three, and taught many over 25+ years.
I help learning disabled people break free from labels so that they can appreciate their unique brains, ignite their brilliance, follow their passions, and become the change makers they were born to be.
My Change Maker Accelerator Program uses Mastermind Pods to help participants learn the 7 strategies of highly effective neurodiverse people so that they can discover their superpowers, develop their Ultimate Change Maker Blueprint, and create the life they want.
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